<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>One Man's River-Garbage by JacquelineHyde</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25467463">One Man's River-Garbage</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/JacquelineHyde/pseuds/JacquelineHyde'>JacquelineHyde</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Stardew Valley (Video Game)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Farmerguy being Weird, Fishing shenanigans, Gen, Weird gameplay mechanics</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 11:07:58</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,181</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25467463</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/JacquelineHyde/pseuds/JacquelineHyde</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam and Sebastian learn an interesting fact about their friendly neighbourhood Farmerguy.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>40</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>One Man's River-Garbage</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Just a dumb throw-away gag of a fic written because I am way too amused that soda you buy and soda you fish up just sort of end up in the same stack, with no way to tell if you're drinking (or gifting) garbage or not.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Hey, Seb?” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Sebastian looks up to find Sam staring in fascination at the river. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Yeah?” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I don't wanna sound judgey, but...is that kinda gross?” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Following Sam's gaze, Sebastian watches that new farmer, Marcus, attempting to cast his fishing rod with one hand, while clutching an open can of Joja Cola in the other. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Gross? Not really,” Sebastian shrugs. “But dangerous? Yeah, definitely. He's gonna get that fishing hook caught somewhere unfortunate and accidentally fish up his own boxers.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“No, it's not that,” Sam replies slowly, eyes still fixed on the rich potential for slapstick comedy playing out in front of him. “I...I think I just saw him fish that soda out of the river.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Sebastian stares, both horrified and oddly transfixed. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Oh, dear lord.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“So, that's gross, right?” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Yeah, Sam, drinking <em> garbage </em>  you find in the  <em> river </em> is gross.” Sebastian replies with an incredulous snort of laughter. After a few seconds of highly entertained gawking, his amusement turns swiftly into alarm as a thought occurs to him. “Hey, Sam, doesn't that guy give you a lot of--” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“He's gonna get rabies or something,” Sam announces, shaking his head as he pulls away from Sebastian's sudden grip on his arm. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“That's not how rabies works,” a conveniently passing Harvey sighs with the hopeless resignation of a man who knows he's going to be ignored. “That's not how anything works.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Hey, Marcus!” Sam is meanwhile calling to the farmer. “Don't drink that!” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Marcus looks up at Sam, then down at his soda, then back up at Sam, with an expression of utter betrayal. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Seriously, Sam? You're the one person in town who drinks more soda than I do, and <em> you're </em> going to lecture me? You, the guy who supported the Joja Cola market single-handedly for three years in this town, are going to give me shit for drinking too much soda? I thought you were different, man! I thought we had something special!” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Sam looks bewildered, while Sebastian tries not to bristle with annoyance at the idea of terrible soda being some sort of weird love connection.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“What? No, Marcus, the soda's no the problem. I love soda, I drink it all the time! Like, seriously. Near-constantly some days. I just don't drink the soda that was garbage in a river." </p>
<p> </p>
<p>There's a long, uncomfortable pause, during which Marcus scratches at the side of his head, as Sam regards Marcus with solemn concern, and Sebastian fixes the guy with a sour glare.   </p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Uh, yeah. Of course not. Except...you remember all those sodas I gave you?"  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Sebastian winces as Sam's eyes widen with horrified realization.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Dude!" Sam whines. "You've been feeding me river-garbage-soda for the last three seasons?!"  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Not all of them!" Marcus protests.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Oh, great, good to know that you were only feeding him literal garbage <em> sometimes </em> ," Sebastian huffs, trying not to be just a  <em> bit </em> amused that Sam, who'll pretty much stick anything in his mouth, is this horrified in retrospect over Marcus’ gruff, hopeful offerings of his favourite drink every three days.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>"So, how many?" Sam demands.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>"See, that's the thing!" Marcus drops both his rod and his river garbage soda to gesture excitedly with both hands. "I don't know! The first time I fished one up, I kept it as a prize. I keep one of everything I catch - at least, until it starts to rot and I have to throw away another chest. Then I forgot I fished it out of the ocean, and moved it to the fridge with all the other soda. By the time I remembered, I'd already had to replenish my stash like four times. The way I see it, I couldn’t tell the difference, and I didn’t die, so what’s the problem? In a town where a new backpack costs more than my first car, I can’t really afford to throw away perfectly good soda, so I started keeping them.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“How do you not see how gross that is?” Sam near-wails. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Sebastian snorts.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“In his defense--” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Don’t say it, dude,” Sam pleads.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Why, whatever do you mean, Sam?” Sebastian asks, pulling his most innocent face, which Sam returns with an utterly unimpressed look.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Don’t say what I know you’re thinking. ‘Joja Cola basically starts out as garbage, so there’s really no difference.’”  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Aww, he <em> does </em> listen to me,” Sebastian comments idly to a passing squirrel. “Just not enough to stop basically putting garbage in his body five times a day.”  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Marcus, meanwhile looks grave.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Listen, Sam, I really am sorry. I didn’t exactly mean for you to find out--” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Which is why you were drinking river garbage soda right outside his house,” Sebastian says with a thoughtful nod. “Makes sense.”  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“--because I know you’re kind of a health nut.”  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Compared to who?" Sebastian demands softly of the universe at large, but Marcus is still talking.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“And hey, Sammy, you know I would totally buy you all the soda you want, if I wasn’t still saving up for a pizza.”  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Yeah, it’s hard to argue with pizza” Sam says grudgingly, as Sebastian feels the vague sensation of his soul leaving his body at the knowledge that <em>this guy, </em>this objectively adorable bozo right here, has been a major source of his happiness for as long as he can can remember. “And like you said, no one died. I guess whatever doesn’t kill you, prepares you for a future of living in the sewers and scrounging for food after the zombie outbreak happens.”  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Look at that, he listens to Abby too,” Sebastian comments to the squirrel.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The squirrel chitters a reply that Sebastian assumes either means <em>he's</em><em> such a good boy</em> or <em>leave me out of</em><em> this, Human</em>. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>At last, it seems like Sebastian’s Intimidating Death Glare and Scathing Colour Commentary have done their work, and Marcus starts hurriedly gathering his fishing gear. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Well, it’s been fun, guys, but I better head home. The sodas were really biting today, which means I drank half a twelve-pack in the last three hours, so I’m going to need a bathroom any minute. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Sebastian makes a face as the farmer sprints quickly off towards the forest.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Wow, thanks for sharing.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“See you, Marcus,” Sam calls with a friendly wave that only seems a little forced.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I knew there was a reason I don’t like that guy,” Sebastian mutters to Sam, watching Marcus’s retreating back and just <em> daring </em> him to turn around. He blinks when he notices Sam heading dejectedly away. “Where are you going?” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Home,” Sam grumbles. “To drink a jug of bleach.”  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Sebastian takes a long moment to consider this. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Yeah, that’s fair. But before you <em> actually </em> poison yourself, we should go see Abby.”  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Abby?” Sam repeats, frowning. “I thought she had a thing with her mom today.”  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Pretty sure she’ll want to spare a few minutes for this.” Sebastian grins, recalling all the impassioned life lessons Abigail has already imparted on their sweet, dumb, trusting ray of sunshine. “I know she’s explained to you at least twice why you shouldn’t accept drinks from strange men, but I’m hoping the third time is the charm.”  </p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>